Lion King

What brings you joy?

See yourself in the best light.

Let creativity flow...

Trust the children.

Give me a definition.

This is just some of the thoughts that come into my head whenever I see/hear this word. 

The first thought, of a normal person, would be, themselves, but, I am not like that. I do not understand how I am beautiful. I seem to internally focus on my flaws more, instead of embracing them and diving into the world. 

So, I ask…

What’s the definition of beautiful? 

Is it the amount of makeup that graces a woman’s face? 

Is it in the eye of the beholder or the eye of person that truly needs to embrace it?

Society has skewed views of what should define beauty. 

For example, if you are a size 2, have some form of augmentation on your frame, and dripping with designer labels; our society deems you as a goddess. 

If you are a girl with curves relaxing in sweatpants, you are avoided like the plague. 

I just don’t understand why we all cannot be seen as beautiful. 

Some say beauty is only skin deep and some say, you are beautiful;  inside and out. i don’t know what to believe. 

I guess this is just me having an issue with embracing myself as the person I am and I don’t do this for sympathy. 

These thoughts are constantly racing through my head. 

I always think, I have gorgeous friends…why are they hanging out with me? They have guys flocking all over them and I feel like I’m just the dark shadow looming in to back. 

I guess some things I never understand and some questions will never be answered. So, let me ask this question again; what is the definition of beautiful?

Tainted love

Just going to cut to the chase, this is me shredding a layer of myself. My mom and I have always had a roller coaster relationship. When I was younger, we had (somewhat) that typical, overly sweet mother-daughter relationship. When I was 8, things began to take a turn for the "different". I just felt our relationship change. A lot more angst and volatility involved. This continues until the month after my 16th birthday. We had 6 month waves of awesomeness after that and then "the shit would hit the fan." There never seemed to be a calm moment between us, especially if we had to travel somewhere together, ever since I was that little girl. I don't know what changed. I don't know if she hated me growing up. I don't know if it was me at all, but, I know that woman's presence just irks me at times. 

Fast forward to my freshman year in college, she helped me move in. We talked all the time. Things appeared to be looking up....so I thought. One day, we got into this nasty argument over the phone. One of my friends was in the car with me and witnessed me completely break down. She ripped me to pieces. I don't remember that argument, but. I do remember the emotions I felt that day. College continues, a few spurts happen, but nothing too outside of the normal. Yes, arguing with my mother is normal to me...very unfortunate. Graduation came, she was "proud mom" taking all the obnoxious pictures, hooting and hollering, actually feeling proud of what I've done. She tend to do that a lot, appear to be supportive, but, then criticize me out of the blue for random stuff. 

 In the series of unfortunate events blog, I mentioned yet another argument we had. If you were to read the texts and heard the phone calls, it was like a knockdown, drag out fights between two boxers in the rings. When I say it was brutal, all of the claws came out and shit got realllll. This was two weeks ago and she refuses to speak to me or dare look in my direction when she "visits" at my grandmothers house. Her visits are coming in unannounced, going to talk to my granny, and sit on the couch and play freaking CandyCrush on full volume....it's the most annoying shit ever!!! 

Needless to say, our relationship is a roller coaster that's struggling on the tracks. I don't know what future holds, but I do know, I will not dwell over someone who is giving off an air of not caring about their child (their only daughter) at that. . 

Single Problems.

As the world probably knows, I'm as single as a dollar bill.

SINGLE = FOOD + COMFY CLOTHES + NO JUDGMENT

Being single has it perks, though. Examples are:

• Freedom 
• Guys can buy you drinks without getting threatened 
• You can dance without get "mean-mugged" from across the way 
• Money. You don't have to go out all the time. Hot pockets and a 79 cent soda is a 5-course meal to you. (Even though I'm flat broke right now)
• You can hog all of the covers. 
• Wearing sweatpants and old t-shirts is always acceptable. 
• A complete "NO JUDGMENT" zone. You can do whatever the heck you want and you not have to appease anyone. 

When there are perks, there are downfalls. Some things you can't do when you're single are:

• Cuddling (body pillows don't count)
• Kissing (Your pillow doesn't count)
• Date night 
• Get dressed up fora hot date
• The fact you are in a relationship. 

Trust me, there will be moments where you wish you could marry food, have everything off Pinterest downloaded, and when you don't feel attractive. Honey, you got this! From what I've been told, enjoy it while you can! Don't rush it. Love will come when it's ready. 

Trust me, once you get into a relationship, you have another person in your equations. 

RELATIONSHIP = YOU + ANOTHER PERSON + YOUR LIFE + THEIR LIFE (Shit gets real!)

Peace and Blessings, 

Small Town Probs/Just a Small Town Girl <3

So...there's this guy...

So, you know when a girl starts off a story like that, it's gotta be good. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint, but, it's not going to be that interesting.

Well, I will not mention his name, but, we go way back....like middle school back. When I first met him, I despised his existence. I honestly COULD NOT stand him!!! Some time went by and we dated in middle school. See, to me, middle school relationships, don't "count" as true "loving"  relationships.

A few years progress, we talk in high school, and throughout my time in college, and my story of today starts here....on this day. He's even told me that I'm the girl he wants to marry and have children with, etc... etc.. Basically, I feel excuses to "get with me" and leave.... typical man status.

So, today, since my car is on the fritz, I was bored and I texted him and he came over my house and picked me up. We ate at Jack in the Box (which I paid), talked about any and everything, and listened to music, all while sitting in his car at the lake. I know that doesn't sound interesting, but, there's a lot of blurred lines there (and some personal times) between us.

So, this guy, has been a constant part of my life of change. I don't want to air any dirty laundry because social media and blogs aren't the place, but, let's just say, he's not available...in more ways than one.

In my head, I'm logically saying, "get out, go, child, you're not stupid..." My emotions are different. I refuse to allow feelings to recollect in my body, but, you can't help whatever happens.

So, again, there's this guy....

#smalltownprobs #singleprobs

-- Just a Small Town Girl

On a brighter note!

On a brighter note, my college diploma came in the mail today! I am officially,  a documented, college graduate! Started from the bottom of the freshman, and now I'm here as an employeed college graduate (Drake reference). It took a lot to get this, but, I wouldn't change it for the world. I had an awesome support system (I.e. my friends and family) that told me to keep pushing, even during those days I wanted to stop. I officially have a Bachelors of science in Special  and Elementary Education. I'm so excited to see where this journey and my diploma take me in life. 

Series of Unfortunate Events

Let's just say, the past few days (well, past couple weeks) have been a bonified, ratchetl, terrible hot mess.

Warning: This a RANT of my misfortune. I rarely do these, but, seriously, I can't make all of this up.

Tuesday, June 11 -- When the downhill of shit started to roll

This is the day I got into a HUGE (we're talking MASSIVE) argument with my mom. To begin with, my mom and I aren't close AT ALL, but, hey, tolerance is key! This argument all started over dishes....at my grandma's house. Needless to say, things got brutal and A LOT of ridiculous things we said and to this day, as she sits on my couch playing on her bedazzled phone that my brother pays for, she does not speak to me. That's completely fine with me. It's her loss.

Thursday -- 6/20

This is the last day of my work week, so, one should be excited about it, right? Well, absolutely not!
The students were absolutely terrible. I found out one of my coworkers has allegedly been talking about me, and  this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Friday -- 6/21

This is my day off, so, it's not terrible. I honestly can't remember who happened because like I said, I've been a hot mess lately. I let my BFF's husband use my charger since he left his in Raleigh. All I did that day was babysit. I don't think it was terrible...

Saturday -- 6/22

So, my phone is dead all day. So, around 6pm, I turned my phone on, because it had a little bit of juice. Then, this happens:

I had a little bit of juice left and found out, I had a meeting earlier that day...like 1:30. It was an impromptu meeting. , how about I get gas. go to charlotte, get COMPLETELY lost because of detours and what not. my phone is dead, iPad blanked out and I lose my directions. I have 3 crying/anxiety attacks, go to a CVS and a gas station for directions (no one could help) and then my gas light comes on and I drive 70-85 mph to get from PINEVILLE where I ended up back home...which is about an hour .
Oh, I didn't even make it to the meeting.
Afterwards, I decided to drive to my BFF's house to get said charger and I run out of gas in a ditch.....
LOVELY right?

Sunday -- 6/23
After walking to the neighbors house the night before and almost getting swatted with a newspaper, I ended up crashing at my friend's house. We treated this like a normal day. We went to eat, got gas, etc.. When I was leaving from this lovely ditch, my engine light starts to sporadically blinking and it sounds like my car is going to clunk out.  Needless to say, this is NOT what I needed. Afterwards, I had to send an email to work saying I couldn't be there (and that's a whole nother story) and I think I've managed to piss off two bosses.

See....series of unfortunate events...
Got to love it, right??

Let me telll you...

Let me tell you, when I say I'm busy...I mean, shit's been bananas. I feel like I've been ALL OVER THE PLACE! The bachelorette outing was wonderful. Only I would develop like a hardcore crush on the guy I danced with. Too bad I didn't get to close the deal by getting his number.  The wedding is over. It was absolutely beautiful. My first MOH obligation is DONEEE! :)

Right after the wedding, I started my summer camp job. WHEN I say things have been RIDICULOUS, I mean absolutely cray cray bananas! I have 6-7 year olds and they were off the chain! Like so much, I can't even get a single lesson (AND I'M A TEACHERRRRR!)

AHHHHH! Let this shit show known as my life continue!

My Ideal 1st Date

Yes, I'm 21 years old and NEVER has a guy taken me on a date.
Guess I've not found a guy that can handle my plus-size jiggle yet.

Now, back on topic, What's a REAL DATE, you ask?
My definition of a date is...

• The guy picks me up 
• We hang out (movies, dinner, park, anything!) I want him to plan whatever. Be the man! Take control. 
• FUN! :D
• Whatever we do, I want him to pay first (Excuse me for being old fashioned, but, seriously!)

I'm really not expecting much! I honestly just want to have an awesome time! :D I'm really not that hard to please. I'm a kid at heart, so the simple things make the happiest. 

Well, enough of that rant. Having some #singlegirlprobs. 

Peace and Blessings, 

Small Town Probs 

The next few days.

The next few weeks are going to be BUSY and interesting (to say the least). 

Monday, my 3rd graders have their awards ceremony (definitely have to be there!)

Tuesday, I start orientation for my High School job. 

**I have a few days to breathe (hopefully, no wedding (we'll get to that in a second) issues will arise because I just wanna sleep. 

Next week, my best friend since middle school is getting MARRIED and I am her MOH (Maid of Honor)! I am so excited! 

Wednesday, a couple of the bridesmaids and I are going shopping for everything related to penis!!! I do have to plan/decorate/implement a kickass party. 

Thursday, the same bridesmaids and myself are going to deck out the apartment in all of the penis glory. 

Friday, the wedding rehearsal, lingerie gifting, and bacherlotte party will ensue. DEFINITELY GOING TO BE ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Saturday, her BIG day and reception!!!!

Ahhhhh! :)

--Small Town Probs