Let creativity flow...

Trust the children.

Give me a definition.

This is just some of the thoughts that come into my head whenever I see/hear this word. 

The first thought, of a normal person, would be, themselves, but, I am not like that. I do not understand how I am beautiful. I seem to internally focus on my flaws more, instead of embracing them and diving into the world. 

So, I ask…

What’s the definition of beautiful? 

Is it the amount of makeup that graces a woman’s face? 

Is it in the eye of the beholder or the eye of person that truly needs to embrace it?

Society has skewed views of what should define beauty. 

For example, if you are a size 2, have some form of augmentation on your frame, and dripping with designer labels; our society deems you as a goddess. 

If you are a girl with curves relaxing in sweatpants, you are avoided like the plague. 

I just don’t understand why we all cannot be seen as beautiful. 

Some say beauty is only skin deep and some say, you are beautiful;  inside and out. i don’t know what to believe. 

I guess this is just me having an issue with embracing myself as the person I am and I don’t do this for sympathy. 

These thoughts are constantly racing through my head. 

I always think, I have gorgeous friends…why are they hanging out with me? They have guys flocking all over them and I feel like I’m just the dark shadow looming in to back. 

I guess some things I never understand and some questions will never be answered. So, let me ask this question again; what is the definition of beautiful?

Tainted love

Just going to cut to the chase, this is me shredding a layer of myself. My mom and I have always had a roller coaster relationship. When I was younger, we had (somewhat) that typical, overly sweet mother-daughter relationship. When I was 8, things began to take a turn for the "different". I just felt our relationship change. A lot more angst and volatility involved. This continues until the month after my 16th birthday. We had 6 month waves of awesomeness after that and then "the shit would hit the fan." There never seemed to be a calm moment between us, especially if we had to travel somewhere together, ever since I was that little girl. I don't know what changed. I don't know if she hated me growing up. I don't know if it was me at all, but, I know that woman's presence just irks me at times. 

Fast forward to my freshman year in college, she helped me move in. We talked all the time. Things appeared to be looking up....so I thought. One day, we got into this nasty argument over the phone. One of my friends was in the car with me and witnessed me completely break down. She ripped me to pieces. I don't remember that argument, but. I do remember the emotions I felt that day. College continues, a few spurts happen, but nothing too outside of the normal. Yes, arguing with my mother is normal to me...very unfortunate. Graduation came, she was "proud mom" taking all the obnoxious pictures, hooting and hollering, actually feeling proud of what I've done. She tend to do that a lot, appear to be supportive, but, then criticize me out of the blue for random stuff. 

 In the series of unfortunate events blog, I mentioned yet another argument we had. If you were to read the texts and heard the phone calls, it was like a knockdown, drag out fights between two boxers in the rings. When I say it was brutal, all of the claws came out and shit got realllll. This was two weeks ago and she refuses to speak to me or dare look in my direction when she "visits" at my grandmothers house. Her visits are coming in unannounced, going to talk to my granny, and sit on the couch and play freaking CandyCrush on full volume....it's the most annoying shit ever!!! 

Needless to say, our relationship is a roller coaster that's struggling on the tracks. I don't know what future holds, but I do know, I will not dwell over someone who is giving off an air of not caring about their child (their only daughter) at that. . 

Single Problems.

As the world probably knows, I'm as single as a dollar bill.

SINGLE = FOOD + COMFY CLOTHES + NO JUDGMENT

Being single has it perks, though. Examples are:

• Freedom 
• Guys can buy you drinks without getting threatened 
• You can dance without get "mean-mugged" from across the way 
• Money. You don't have to go out all the time. Hot pockets and a 79 cent soda is a 5-course meal to you. (Even though I'm flat broke right now)
• You can hog all of the covers. 
• Wearing sweatpants and old t-shirts is always acceptable. 
• A complete "NO JUDGMENT" zone. You can do whatever the heck you want and you not have to appease anyone. 

When there are perks, there are downfalls. Some things you can't do when you're single are:

• Cuddling (body pillows don't count)
• Kissing (Your pillow doesn't count)
• Date night 
• Get dressed up fora hot date
• The fact you are in a relationship. 

Trust me, there will be moments where you wish you could marry food, have everything off Pinterest downloaded, and when you don't feel attractive. Honey, you got this! From what I've been told, enjoy it while you can! Don't rush it. Love will come when it's ready. 

Trust me, once you get into a relationship, you have another person in your equations. 

RELATIONSHIP = YOU + ANOTHER PERSON + YOUR LIFE + THEIR LIFE (Shit gets real!)

Peace and Blessings, 

Small Town Probs/Just a Small Town Girl <3

So...there's this guy...

So, you know when a girl starts off a story like that, it's gotta be good. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint, but, it's not going to be that interesting.

Well, I will not mention his name, but, we go way back....like middle school back. When I first met him, I despised his existence. I honestly COULD NOT stand him!!! Some time went by and we dated in middle school. See, to me, middle school relationships, don't "count" as true "loving"  relationships.

A few years progress, we talk in high school, and throughout my time in college, and my story of today starts here....on this day. He's even told me that I'm the girl he wants to marry and have children with, etc... etc.. Basically, I feel excuses to "get with me" and leave.... typical man status.

So, today, since my car is on the fritz, I was bored and I texted him and he came over my house and picked me up. We ate at Jack in the Box (which I paid), talked about any and everything, and listened to music, all while sitting in his car at the lake. I know that doesn't sound interesting, but, there's a lot of blurred lines there (and some personal times) between us.

So, this guy, has been a constant part of my life of change. I don't want to air any dirty laundry because social media and blogs aren't the place, but, let's just say, he's not available...in more ways than one.

In my head, I'm logically saying, "get out, go, child, you're not stupid..." My emotions are different. I refuse to allow feelings to recollect in my body, but, you can't help whatever happens.

So, again, there's this guy....

#smalltownprobs #singleprobs

-- Just a Small Town Girl

On a brighter note!

On a brighter note, my college diploma came in the mail today! I am officially,  a documented, college graduate! Started from the bottom of the freshman, and now I'm here as an employeed college graduate (Drake reference). It took a lot to get this, but, I wouldn't change it for the world. I had an awesome support system (I.e. my friends and family) that told me to keep pushing, even during those days I wanted to stop. I officially have a Bachelors of science in Special  and Elementary Education. I'm so excited to see where this journey and my diploma take me in life.